Apr 11, 2012

Need Coder/Web Designer ASAP!

This job ad is so incredibly compelling that the author didn’t feel the need to provide their business name.

Hey,

I am looking for someone who can code websites and has experience doing so.

As opposed to those who can code websites, but have never done so. You need to weed out those theoretical coders.

I will be looking to take you on as part of my company to help design web sites.

You will be… like some time in the future? 

Please contact me back with info, name etc. and resume if possible

How about “name, resume, and contact info”? Maybe it’s a good idea to put five seconds of thought into what you want, instead of writing a list that makes no sense.

We are not looking to pay anyone amounts such as $50 per hour, as we simply cannot afford this.

Your unwillingness to pay well, and the admission that you don’t have much money is really a great selling point for this position. You should make sure that you’re really, really clear on how important it is to you that you don’t intend to pay much for this position.

Please only reply if you are open to reasonable payment amounts, nowhere near $50 per hour.

Perfect.

thank you for your interest

Feb 29, 2012

Cordon Media - Intermediate Front End Developer

Do you love code more than life itself?

No. Nobody does.

Do you fancy yourself a Programming Knight - ready to fight the war against poor front end development?

I’m two sentences in, and they’ve managed to say exactly nothing while at the same time giving me the “no” feeling. Awesome start.

If you want to work in a boutique studio with a few like minded individuals and leave your stamp on projects for clients such as Madison Square Garden, Harley Davidson & top NHL teams…then keep reading.

That should have been the first sentence. It actually tells me things:

  • They’re a boutique studio, so they’re probably a smaller company
  • They have clients that I’ve heard of
  • They’re not fully aware of how an ellipsis works

The chosen candidate will possess extensive knowledge and skills with HTML5, Java, PHP and some knowledge on database management and creation.

Now I can’t be 100% percent certain here, but I’m pretty sure they meant “JavaScript” (just guessing out of context). Either way, it’s a super weird requirement. Either, a) they didn’t make a mistake, and they expect their “Front End Developer” to work on their Java back end, or b) they don’t know the difference between Java and JavaScript, in which case it’s a pretty good sign that the people in charge of hiring aren’t fully informed on what the person performing this job will be doing. 

If you are as multidimensional as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s right bicep than we want to hear from you!

Possibly the most forced quirkiness ever. Oh, and it makes no sense, but hey, QUIRKY!

PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITIES:

  • Understand technical and functional design requirements
  • Execute tasks and responsibilities with limited

I think they accidentally a word. At least they continue that they’re looking for someone “Meticulous & very detail oriented”, presumably so that they can take over writing the job ads.

  • Design, code, and test technical solutions
  • Identify system deficiencies and recommend solutions
  • Recognize and effectively communicate when issues/events may affect deadlines/deliverables of a project

Why is this so opaque? You’re trying to sell my on why it would be enjoyable, and fulfilling to work for you. Does “understand[ing] technical and functional design requirements” sound enjoyable and fulfilling? They’ve instantly switched gears from quirky and nonsensical to boring and bureaucratic. I’m starting to understand why the “fun” in the opening statement felt so forced.

YOU ARE:

  • Highly self motivated
  • Great when working in teams of 3-4

Why so specific? Is anyone great in teams of 3-4, but shit in teams of two or five?

  • Meticulous & very detail oriented

Clearly the company has high standards. Look no further than this job ad.

  • Able to multi-task
  • An effective communicator

As judged by the author of this posting? Awesome.

  • Interactive Usability wiz

I am Interactive Usability wiz!? There are just so many things wrong with that bullet. I don’t even know where to begin.

  • Interested in attaining knowledge/expertise in other emerging technologies.

YOU HAVE:

  • BA in Computer Science or other equivalent

A Bachelor of Arts in Computer Science. I guess if you need a degree for a job that really shouldn’t require a degree, it might as well be a non-existent one.

  • Minimum 3 years HTML/CSS Experience
  • Minimum 5 years Java Experience

Oh man… maybe they really do require Java. If so, why call the position “Intermediate Front End Developer”? Unless their front end is written in Swing or something insane like that. I still have to assume the author just doesn’t know the difference.

  • Minimum 5 years PHP Experience

Okay. Whoever wrote this, go back up to the top. Change the job title from “Intermediate Front End Developer” to “Intermediate Developer”. Then we can be friends again.

BONUSES:

  • You have challenged other developers to a duel over web standards disputes

Hey, the super awkward quirkiness is back!

  • True Lies is your favourite movie

What’s with all of the Arnold?

  • You can eat obscene amounts of sushi

Fatties only.

WE ARE:

  • Young talented web-and-interactive-awesome-app-developing ninjas!

Ugh.

  • An award winning team (Applied Arts Magazine, Communication Arts Magazine & FWA)
  • A group of people who love nothing more than to high five over well executed projects

But I thought you loved code! Which is it, code or high fives? Either way, I’m totally ready to die for one of them. 

  • Synchronized swimmers

Ugh. Unless they’re literally synchronized swimmers, in which case ugh.

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A job ad is a sales pitch. The goal is to try and convince smart people to quit their jobs and take yours. You don't usually want to hire people who are looking for a job (chances are there's a good reason they're looking). Almost no employers display any awareness of that simple fact in their job ads, and it drives me crazy. Subscribe via RSS.